I'm gonna tell a quick story that will help to illustrate a point in a moment. I watch Jeopary 2-3 nights a week. Each round of Jeopardy starts with Trebek announcing each category's title. When the title has a word in quotes (e.g. "King" of the Road), he'll pause and condescendingly remind the contestants, "Notice the quotes around the word 'King'." This drives me insane. Anyone who has made it to Jeopardy knows that, when a word is in quotes, it means that it must also be in the answer, which on Jeopardy they call the "question". If you are worried about the audience picking up on this, well, half the audience watches regularly, like me, and half won't understand what you mean from that cryptic clue, you Canadian freak.
I tell you this because I feel the same way about airport security. When I'm told that I need to take my laptop out of my bag, even when I'm standing at a point in the line where that's not yet possible, I nearly go insane. I actually think air travel would not be such a huge nuisance if it were not for having to go through security. I think many changes are needed to the current system, and that security does not need to be compromised in the name of efficiency. Let me explain:
Just as with Jeopardy, many of the people passing through an airport are regulars. Unlike Jeopardy, it's easy to identify frequent fliers, because they have cards and ID numbers that indicate their rate of travel. In the days when I was passing through airports 2-3 days a week, I began to make certain adjustments to my routine so as to pass through security like a hot knife through butter. I wore special shoes that easily came on and off. I put my computer bag ahead of my computer, so that I could have it open and waiting for the computer on the other side of the x-ray. I wore a non-metalic watch that didn't require removal. None of these measures created any risk to the safety of the flight, but half the time I could have been flying naked without luggage and it wouldn't have mattered because some shmoe in front of me was trying to put his new born baby in an x-ray bin.
Well, let's make a few changes to the system. It used to be that $0.50 toll was collected in each direction on the Golden Gate Bridge. They switched to collecting only a dollar from South-bound traffic, and found that there was dramatically less congestion. Applying this principle, I say we take the 3+ lines we have at each terminal now, and distinguish between them. The right-most line is for inexperienced travelers (3 flights or fewer in the last 12 months). We shower them with advice and warnings. There are signs and pictures up and down their queue. Not everyone in that line will need such inundation, but is something that is earned, not given. I actually think that this line will move no slower than a current airport security line, so once-a-year travelers won't notice any change. However, each line, as we move further to the left, will be full of successively more frequent fliers. The x-ray on the left (a.k.a. "The Fast Lane") will look like the exit of a burning building, as flight veterans race, shoeless, one after another, adept at the art of the scan. This would almost serve as an industry-wide loyalty program, promising a better flight experience for customers most deserving of reward.
To continue with the toll analogy, I think this would be a little like the "Fast Pass" lane. I don't drive over bridges enough to need one right now, so when I do sit at a toll, I look over at their special lanes, watch drives buzz though, and I'm jealous. I'm sitting in traffic, but that traffic wouldn't be appreciably lighter if their lane were open to me. So I don't begrudge this privilege to the bridge-commuter who planned ahead. Likewise, I don't think people could be reasonably frustrated if they saw seasoned air-commuters skipping merrily through security, because they would know that the possibility would exist for them as well if they just flew enough. Think this would work?
OK this doesn't go nearly far enough.
Firstly, there should be NO local rules. The rules should be universal; it is efficiency 101 that standardisation speeds things up. So, show your boarding pass and ID to access security and show it at the gate to enter the plane. That's it. Shoes off - everywhere. Jackets off - everywhere. No metal about your person - AT ALL.
Really it starts at check-in. Anyone who does not check-in online should be taken outside and shot. If you have the misfortune to be traveling with an airline that doesn't have online check-in then you are an idiot who deserves to be stuck behind slow-walkers and strip-searched at customs every time, particularly when they are out of gloves and lube. If you are traveling somewhere so cool and exotic that the airline only runs prop planes and hand-writes the manifest then that is OK. Just. If you still insist on using an airline that requires you to line up and actually check-in with a real person, then shame on you. The only acceptable behaviour in such an instance is to refuse to speak with the check-in lady AT ALL. If you hold up the line by asking to change seat or what the in-flight movie is, then again, outside to the firing squad for you. You may however, badger the airline employee throughout the whole process. Repeat the following questions relentlessly; "Why are you slower than the machines other better airlines have?" "What on earth are you typing?" "You have my name, what is the hold up?" "When are you being replaced by a machine?" "Can't you find my reservation?" "Do you know how to use the system?" "Don't tell me my gate, I know how to read."
At security, there has to be a "special" line for families. Particularly those with infants. You have turned up 5 hours early for your flight anyway, you're not in a hurry. Lines should also be segregated by flight number. If you are about to miss your flight you know damn well you are going to have your jacket off, shoes off and belt off way before the scanner. If your flight hasn't left from its previous destination yet, then you can take your time. You don't need to know the rules because they don't apply to you, you have all the time in the world.
We need to focus on incentives. Why would you hurry through security when it is going to be the highlight of the next 4 hours? Have a chat with the check-in lady, we don't care, we don't have flights to catch, we're just here to be SOCIABLE.
The answer is the following. No one should be allowed into the airport until their flight is 20 mins from push-back. No exceptions. Everyone waits in a large holding pen (with restaurants and shops), from which you are called forward to access the hallowed ground of the airport terminal. Once there you must sprint from the door, through security, naked with no carry on, straight to the gate. If you don't run, you miss your flight. Want an exit row? Run faster.
Alternatively, fly business class. Most decent airports have a separate business class security line anyway.
Posted by: Nick | December 11, 2007 at 12:41 PM